i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I wear drunk well.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
