no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
