none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
