My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
