So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
