ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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