Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize