He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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