I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
