She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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