my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
