I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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