I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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