Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
