I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
