u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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