birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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