i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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