Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
