My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
