new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
