My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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