If that was your dad, he is hot
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
