I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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