Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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