Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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