Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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