you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
