Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
