I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
