Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Randomize
