My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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