Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you didnt know i had herpes?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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