Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
