I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
