Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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