so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We need to rekindle our bromance
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
3pm strippers are depressing
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
