Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize