I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize