If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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