Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you made out with another girl for some wings
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
