I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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