I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize