this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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