it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize