Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
