Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
