OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize