Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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