Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
