WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
