Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
