i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
