Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
