you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
