I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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