Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
