Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
